13 reasons why… my story.

Parental warning: very strong language: including talk of suicide and swearing.

In high school your reputation is what will be the outline of who you are for the rest of your life. Or so it seems so. A boy that wants to look like a man in front of his friends because he got a girl and can claim anything he wants is to blame for this outline. The girl is labeled a slut and easy; she is harassed and bullied relentlessly until she can no longer deal with this new reputation and the unwanted popularity she receives from it. She decides slitting her wrists is less painful than living another day in this life.

This IS the sad reality of our children today. It is no longer all in good fun , busting each others balls this is full own ruining lives. When my parents grew up and their parents grew up a little tough love was necessary. This is not the world we live in today. Children are now being threatened, beat up emotionally and physically. Children these days are mean. They harass others sexually, mentally and physically. Its unacceptable and needs to stop.

Growing up, hearing someone complain about small town problems I couldn’t relate. I went to private catholic schools my whole life and never really hung out in my hometown. I thought of a small town as a place somewhere in the south with dirt roads and everyone knows your name. To me, this sounds amazing and I always wanted to be from a small town like that. Turns out even though I was never a small town girl, I would feel the wrath of the small town gossip on a few occasions.

I chose to share my story of being bullied in middle school and high school. At 30 I am finally breaking my silence. So other girls out there can read this and know they are not alone!

My life was a 13 reasons why reality. My teenage life relates so closely to Hannah that watching this series felt like watching my high school and college years. However, one very big difference is tape #13 I was not sexually assaulted or raped. My heart goes out to anyone that has ever had to go through that trauma.

In high school, the older girls would push me around call me an ugly slut. The thing was, I was far from that. I was beautiful and had never even kissed a boy yet. I had blonde hair, blue eyes and I was skinny. Now that I am an adult I now know I was a target for these bullies. I was tortured relentlessly daily by the junior and senior girls. It turned me into a different person. I closed off from everyone close to me, not even my closest friends knew of the trauma I endured. I never wanted to go to school, I was terrified of what new rumors these girls would create.

Gossip spreads like wildfire; no one cares about the truth. They only want to talk about the latest juicy details. Each time the story is shared it becomes more exaggerated. I never talked about it to my friends or family because I couldn’t hear anything more. The bullies screaming at me in hallways, and pushing down stairs was enough. Im sure I would have lost my damn mind if I heard any stories.

The worst part about high school is when you graduate it doesn’t all end. You see, those rumors never get put to rest. The rumors about females are almost always started by a male that doesn’t have a chance with her or a jealous female.

I never chose the “popular crowd” because I couldn’t stand people that were all about being popular and only did things to look cool. I was friends with people that were real to me. I never wanted to be with the jock and half the cheerleaders were the ones that started rumors about me. I thought hanging with the low key people made me less of a target and they didn’t have any hidden agendas. Turns out those low key people are usually one from low key places, like small towns. Their peak was in high school and as of today they still live in those small towns and still talk about the same garbage from high school.

Today, I can look back on my high school years and college years and laugh. I am so much stronger today than I was back then. When you’re a teenager, you do not understand why people are so cruel. Now that I am an adult I realize people are fucking assholes. Everyone that talks badly about someone else is doing it because THEY are insecure. If you are reading my blog right now, and we are no longer friend. You are reading it because you, are insecure. In actuality the person that gets talked about is always a threat to other people. That’s why they feel the need to try to make them look less beautiful, interesting, smart… you choose. They fail miserably because they are still in the same place they were back then, and the actual victim in all of this becomes stronger and more successful all thanks to your bullshit.

Yes, this sounds fairly cocky. But it needs to be said for all of the beautiful young women out there that have had their lives destroyed by rumors and gossip and bullshit by people that are in no fucking place to point a finger. Now thanks to social media these low life’s can stalk your social media outlets and weep. Yes, those girls you bullied and tortured are still beautiful, they are confident and they’re still skinny. If you think for a slight second I need to get off my high horse remember I went thru hell and back. Then go look in the mirror and ask if you could have for one second lived a life where people constantly put you down, every second of every day. If they lied about you and there wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it. If you said you could, you’re a fucking liar and you’re in complete denial about your own life.

Ill never be the girl to pick another girl apart, or put her down. If I think a girl is gorgeous I’m going to tell her and I want good for her. I truly do in my heart want good for others. To all the girls out there, of all ages I hope this brought strength to your soul. I hope you know you have never been alone, there is always another girl out there hurting from the same things you are. Never let a bully win. Never think that you would feel less pain if you were no longer alive. This is your life and no one can take that from you unless you allow them to. Speak up, I never did when I was going thru it. People need to be put In their place. Today there are so many people that are here to help including myself. Schools now realize the devastating effects bullying and rumors have on people and it is not tolerated. Unlike when I was in high school and the dean of students would dust voice mail death threats under the rug because the parents of the bully made many generous donations to the school.

Know that once you get to a certain age in life you really don’t care what people think of you. You realize all your bullies were losers, the small towns still have the same people living in them they are fat, balding , have a couple children out of wedlock or are in complete denial about who they really are.Then, there’s the people that are happy, healthy and giggling because they have control over their life and choose to be happy.

Recap: bullying is the worst experience you wil ever have to go thru. however, you will learn so much about other people. You will learn how to deal with the shittiest people of the wold and you will never again have to deal with being in a classroom or a food court with people that whisper about you. You have the choice to not go to high school reunions, and you have the choice to cut off the negative people and the toxic people and become a better person from all the hell you went thru. The bullies always lose in the end. The bullies will neve admit to being a bully but if you talk bad about someone, spread rumors, and tell stories that aren’t your to tell then you were part of the problem.

Now that im 30, nothing in high school matters to me. I see people i may not have been close with and we’ve become FBI friends and im truly happy to see them having a successful, happy life. I see people who weren’t good people and they got what they deserved in life. Ive also seen people do a complete 180 and become better people, I have a lot of respect for them also.

Focus on yourself everyday, don let negativity ruin your sparkle. Treat people the way you want to be related and don’t waste your time on people that dont deserve you.

Baggage claim 

If you have ever listened to a group of girls out anywhere, you will hear the topic of there conversation is a man with mixed signals. What I like to call, the man that never faced himself. You see men are not difficult, they are actually very simple. However, come across a man that has never healed or learned a lesson from past relationships you are bound to get your heart, emotions and mind fucked with.

When women go through a break up they soul search. They look at the things that went wrong, the red flags they may have ignored, the mistakes they personally made and if they were wronged they learn to heal. This is all an important process. You never jump from one relationship to another without some time to sort out your feelings so you dont bring that into your future.

Most men on the other hand, don’t want anything to do with feelings, emotions or healing. In makes them look weak. They don’t want to admit to losing something, wronging someone or admit that they are heartbroken. Suddenly they are alone, they don’t have their significant other to hold, to fix things and they miss that connection to their human. The only thing most men know to do is to jump into a relationship with someone new to fill that void. This is the worst thing to do because they are still going through all of the feelings from their break up. They become completely devoted to their new girlfriend and its misleading because those feelings aren’t real.

I have told countless women this same statement. “Men will destroy every female he dates until he fixes himself.” Ive witnessed many men do this. They go through a bad break up and jump into a serious relationship that fails because there is always lingering thoughts and baggage from the past relationship. Then he continues to jump from relationship to relationship hurting many women because he couldn’t face himself.

Ive seen men do this countless times in all different situations. Ive seen a man break up with his girlfriend that he truly loved because of problems he wasn’t willing to fix. He still loved her but wasn’t willing to man up and say he was sorry and work on things with her. Instead he went into multiple relationships and ended up settling with a girl he didn’t love nearly as much.

Ive seen men date women that were totally wrong for them and they knew it. Instead of healing himself and realizing this girl isn’t what I want, we don’t want the same things, I need to go through the feelings of this break up and move on with my life. He went out and dated multiple girls but was still hung up on her. He lost out on amazing women by doing this. He probably lost out on the one because he was hung up on the wrong one.

Ive seen a man cheat and make the biggest mistake of his life. He loved her with all his heart. Instead of facing what did and taking all the right steps to fix it, he chose the easy way out by just leaving. He then went from relationship to relationship trying to find that same love but he couldn’t. He knew what he should have done but couldn’t man up and face the issues and do the right thing.

Ive personally gone on dates with men that didn’t face their past relationship issues. So I moved on, I cant fix it for them. They’re men, they’re not fucking stupid (well sometimes) but they know what needs to be done. Never settle for a man that has shit going on that he never dealt with. He will make you question yourself, his feelings for you, and question if he’s still hung up on her. We all go thru break ups, just think of where your head was after a break up. Could you jump right into something new and forget about everything? So next time you meet a man that’s giving you mixed signals, is up and down on what he wants, is overly into being into a relationship, or somethings just off, remember its not your shit to fix and move along.

Welcome to Fashion. The 3 rules to get you started. 

Lets talk Fashion.I have been passionate about fashion since I was a little girl. I am a Massachusetts girl, born and raised. This may be a surprise to most of you but Boston is known for having the WORST fashion. While some are offended by this, I have to personally agree. Before you throw all my credentials out the window; open google and search cities with the worst fashion.on the list of cities with the worst fashion Boston was #1 out of 40!!! The jersey shore was #19! That’s bad! Drive through the city on any given day and its cringe worthy. Im going to stick with women’s fashion, because men’s fashion is a another beast.

My advice to all women: dress EVERYDAY, as if you are going to meet the love of your life today, see your high school enemy that day or run into that ex that you had the worst break up with. If you looked down a your current outfit and thought you would crawl into a tiny hole and die there than be caught dead in your current attire in that situation; then my advice is to you.

The first and most important rule in fashion is sizing. Get the proper fit, there are plenty of retailers like nordstrom and Neiman Marcus that would love to set you up a fitting room and help find your perfect size, for any lifestyle and any body type. If you are currently “a work in progress” as in your not happy with how your body looks right now then find yourself the most flattering gym attire for your body and put in work. If you feel good in your work attire then you are more likely to work your body harder because you are comfortable in what you are wearing.

It is 100% okay to shop for your future body goals. I completely condone this. It is motivation for you. However, do not try to get into it yet. It will ruin the motivation aspect, realll fast.

The second rule is find a style that represents who you are. I personally love all different styles, but they don’t represent who I am as a person. Remember, your clothing should match your personality and who you are. When you walk into a room and everyone looks at you. what does your outfit say about you?

If you’re in cheap stripper looking stilettos, a cheap cocktail dress that you have too keep pulling down because if you don’t everyone will see your insides. You probably look like a cheap stripper. So if that’s you, do your thing.

Which brings me into my third rule of fashion. Quality

Best quote I’ve heard about clothing, shoes and accessories.

“Cheap shoes ain’t good, and good shoes ain’t cheap.” Same for clothing and accessories.

Yes, I said it. Paying a little more for better quality clothing is well worth it. It may be an investment but they will last you a lot longer than the cheap stuff. You can immediately tell by looking at clothing, accessories and shoes the quality of them. Im not saying that you need to throw everything you have out now and replace everything in your closet with Prada, Saint Laurent and louboutins. However, I do believes our will surely get your moneys with by purchasing a few staple pieces from luxury designers. In the end you would have spent that same money on a bunch of random cheap trendy items that you will probably only get one wear out of before they are ruined in the washing machine.

Depending on your age and style there are plenty of retailers that have high quality clothing, shoes and accessories for reasonable prices. You also want to remember where the clothing is coming from. I don’t feel comfortable putting anything from china on my body.

Safe to say you will never add forever 21 to the list of quality clothing stores.

Stick to these three very important rules in fashion and you are on your way to having everyone stop, stare and admire your attire.

Until next time ladies! With all of my love!


Wonderland 💚

I thought I would never find happiness again, and I especially thought I would never find love again. I cant express the amount of joy, happiness and love I have felt since summer 2015. I watched the sunset from the back of a pickup truck with candles lit around me in the arms of a man I love and felt protected, loved and truly happy. My mind was free, and as I would run barefoot through the mountains id catch the love in his eyes as he watched me. Who was this girl, she loves america, proudly supports the 2nd amendment but finds beauty in the middle of a flower field barefoot in a sundress;with the sun shining through her golden locks and oh that sparkle in her blue eyes.

The girl that never drank, was now wine tasting knowing that he would keep her safe if she got too giggly. During the fall in the mountains, he would run a hot bubbly bath, light some of her favorite scented candles and bring her a glass of her favorite red wine.

Here this muscular high rank military badass , a hard head to the rest of the world but a sucker for this little blonde girl and her free spirit. He never knew what was going through her mind and it drove him crazy. She was sweet, but daring. She had no fears and didn’t need plans. She stood at the edge of the mountain spread her arms as if they were wings and leaned forward to fall, at the last second she gracefully reached for his hand and he caught her. She would make him stop at every farm they passed so she could meet the animals. Even when he made plans and this was putting a big damper on his time management. Later he would learn that it was those moments “pull over baby” moments that were the most important memories instead of rushing an agenda.

That blonde haired, blue eyed girl with a free spirit is me; and Ill never forget falling in love and chasing waterfalls.

Swimming in the fresh water rapids, carving our names in a tree, tip toeing on the edge of waterfalls without a fear and feeling so free. Riding in the middle of his pickup truck, to finding a barn in the middle of the mountains that “you were going to marry me in”

I felt like a princess… a goddess with him. He was a gentleman, that was true love. I will never forget those feelings. I will never forget that summer. I will never forget that man.

I believe that two people can be in love and care so deeply for each other but not be able to be together. At some point you have to go back to real life, work and you cant be in the middle of the mountains all the time. People come into our life for different reasons, he came into my life and we shared adventure, love and freedom. I taught him that not all girls are the same; and that I am especially different.  I also taught him that you can lay out expectations and plans, you just need to follow your heart and everything else will follow. I know he will find love again, He’s an amazing person with so much to give. I send him love and I pray for his happiness like i pray for my own.  I want to save my fairytale with him just the perfect way it was in my memory.

Get out!

Don’t continue to torture yourself. A man who had hurt you, doesn’t treat you good, and doesn’t do everything in his power to win your heart back isn’t the one. Get out now. Before its too late. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do! Telling him goodbye, the real goodbye. The “I need to do what’s best for me and you are not good for me so we need to go our own ways and have nothing to do with each other.” It will kill you to says those words . But you need to remember what you are actually losing. a man that never gave his all, a man that hurt you, a man that hasn’t been faithful, a man that is verbally or physically abusive. Whatever you circumstance may be, any man that hurts your heart and makes you feel bad about yourself needs to immediately be removed from your life. I have seen so many women stay with a man for reasons I will never understand. Whether its for pure convenience, there is children involved, they are afraid of being alone. All understandable circumstances. But what are you actually losing?

Let me make it a little easier for you to see. You are losing a sorry excuse for a man. A man that doesn’t know how to treat a lady. You are losing the verbal abuse, the heartache, the questioning, the games, the cheating, the uncertainty, the stress and drama. Now think of it this way. What is he losing? He is losing a real woman. The one that stuck by him through all of the bullshit when she should have left along time ago. He’s losing a beautiful woman. I believe all women are beautiful in their own way. He will miss all those little things about you he feel in love with. Trust me for men, the grass is always greener on the other side. Let me giggle now for you. Its not…. Especially when women realize their worth, build their self confidence and start to see the light. The light: “what the fuck did I waste so much time on him”

Right now, thinking of cutting off the man you love sounds like the scariest thing. You have so many questions, what if you never hear from him again. If you don’t, its probably going to be the best thing that can happen. It wasn’t meant to be. You will battle with yourself wanting to call him but knowing you shouldn’t. Don’t let those old memories creep up on you. You will remember all the good times and sweet things you did together. You will even completely block out the main reason you need him to be out of your life. Rely on that one friend that is your go to, to talk you out of it. Anytime you’re feeling like “maybe we were meant to be and I should just call him” pick up your phone and call your go to friend. Don’t continue to hurt yourself. In the beginning it will be the hardest thing to do but after a week or so, you will be stronger and stronger. While he isn’t calling he is helping you to move on from him and get over him.

You will be okay, If not better. 

Getting thru this difficult time in your life seems like you will never see the end. I promise, you will be okay. I opened up with vivid details of my experience, because I know you have experienced these same emotions.
2 years ago my message to you would have been much different. while I was home pinning wedding and future baby ideas for my soon to be fiancé and I. The man I was head over heels for was out cheating on me. I was completely blindsided. My world was turned upside down, that’s the simple way for me to describe it. No one will ever know what you are going through. Except another woman that has felt that gut wrenching, brain racing, heart palpitations I think I’m going to die feeling that results in being cheated on. I don’t condone going crazy, just know you will not be in your right state of mind for awhile. I questioned everything and believed in nothing! It changed my entire outlook on relationships. Not just relationships for myself but I questioned every relationship around me. I wanted to throw up every time I thought of him and her. I blamed him, I still blame him. I will never understand her bad decision in this. If he wanted to be with her, why didn’t he just tell me. Break up, move on and then do what you want to do. Cheating ruins lives and future outlooks. It really fucks a girl up the most, out of all things. I would never want even my worst enemy to feel the way I felt then. Not even the other woman. I weighed 84 pounds. I tried to eat as much as I could but the stress had taken over my body. Ive never felt so sad and unsure in my entire life. The nightmares, waking up hyperventilating, your mind racing. you try to go on with normal life but you have so many questions. All I remember continuously thinking was how could he do this to me. He was my person, the one I went to for everything. My person betrayed me. We made so many plans, we lived together, we were buying a home together, we were getting another dog together(Colt) What happened? We had always been very vocal with each other and I knew his deepest darkest secrets. Why did he not tell me if he was having other feelings. There were NO SIGNS. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I’ve never hurt so bad in my life. The pain I felt was real, and I didn’t think it would ever pass. I had already committed myself to love him for the rest of my life. Now I’m alone with no answers, and the love of my life is not the same man he was.

To someone that has never been cheated on this sounds ridiculous. But to the other women out there that have felt this pain, you are not alone.

Today I can think of this and I feel so blessed. I went through a lot and came out stronger than ever. I found one person that didn’t have a biased opinion, that gave me advice. It was my step dad. Thinking back on that time in my life, I was so lucky to have him. I cry now writing this because I know without him I probably wouldn’t have made it to where I am. I’d sit waiting for him to get home from work just to talk to him. He would listen and then I would listen. I don’t think he’ll ever know what that meant to me. He saved me. If your reading this looking for answers. My first point of advice is to find that one person you trust with everything and open up to them. Tell them exactly how you feel. All of it. The next thing is to find that hobby that touches your soul. Mine was hiking. The peace of the morning sun shining on a pond I’ve never been to,or watching the sun rise at the top of a mountain I have never been to brings an inner peace to my soul. I found the beauty of nature, and when you feel as if everything in life right now is so ugly to find beauty in nature was a medicine for me. I felt inner peace and I didn’t think about the unknown. I was in my own world. Plus, it helped me build muscle that at 84 lbs I desperately needed. Find your happy place. Whether its, traveling, painting, reading, volunteering. Etc. it will be different for everyone. It took me awhile, with a few relapses of why questions. Its been almost 3 years. Today, I will tell you. My breakup was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I learned so much about myself. I became a better person, I took better care of myself, and I felt amazing. I decided I’ll never allow a man to hurt me like that again. That doesn’t mean I swore off men. It means I only date men I see a future with. I never allow a man to be my end all be all. I was committed to being his wife, and when he cheated I was left alone with nothing, feeling like a fool for everything I gave him. I invested a lot of time and A LOT of money. It was possibly my “ worst money mistake” as jessica simpson said of her first marriage. I will always put my heart first. And most importantly, I will not allow his failure at keeping a good woman effect my future anymore. Remember ladies, love yourself, it wasn’t your fault. And I promise you, you will be better off after it is all over. If your not better off, its not the end yet.

A taste of your own medicine will make you sick.

Opening up about the most painful experience yet in my life has been the most liberating experience for me. I feel as if I’m free of something that has been holding me back. Ive dealt with the heartache and backstabbing. Ive dealt with the verbal and emotional abuse. The truth is the truth and its my story to tell. Seems that has ruffled a few feathers of the people who thought it was fine to speak badly of me and were quick to try to hide the truth by justifying it with some bullshit cover up. I allowed you to trash my name for too long. Keep your two sense to yourself, I’m not afraid of someone who has always been intimidated by me. Your opinion means nothing to me. my feelings were never spared by you from the start. Its amazing to me that some people will never learn that technology doesn’t lie. Text messages are seen by eyes they weren’t meant for, there are screen shots that will always tell the truth, and ip addresses can be tracked right to the sender behind a fake account.

Never allow someone to control you, your feelings or the choices you make. Do what feels good in your heart. I chose to blog to help other women. I understand not everyone is going to be happy with me, but they never stood a day in my shoes. They never experienced what I have experienced but for the women out there who have, I’m writing these blogs for you. If anything I have toned down the actual real life events to protect the other party, it could have been a lot worse. But I understand it’s a hard pill to swallow, the truth that is. Trying to silence me shows, they are scared. I wont delete my blogs, you can continue to make threats all you want but if you read into the stories you would see they aren’t about him they are about me. When you talk openly about something that once hurt you so badly without crying you know you have healed.